Click to revel in the cuteness!

We have gone to formula for every other feeding during the day, and all overnight feedings. I'm down to pumping three times a day, and that will shortly go to two, once I return the rental pump this weekend, and have to fall back on my single pump. I may continue pumping once a day for a little while, so as to continue giving Z a little breastmilk in preparation for a potentially germy plane ride in June. Luckily, Z has proven to have a remarkably hardy digestive system, and switches back and forth from milk to formula with no apparent discomfort. I'm looking forward to my breasts not hurting all the time, and possibly going back down to a more plausible cup size.

Well, either the Zoloft is kicking in, or else I'm just getting used to things around here. Aaron and I have settled into a pattern where he takes the night shift, starting at midnight when I go to bed. He either stays up and working between feedings, or else plays the "sleep when the baby sleeps" game, and I take the day shift, starting somewhere between 6 and 8 am. That's right, I am now a morning person. And, due to some strange congruence of drugs and a decent night's sleep, I'm actually kind of cheerful about it.

Unfortunately, "sleep when the baby sleeps" doesn't work too well for me. By the time I feed and change Z, pump, clean the pump parts, and get something to eat, I'm down to an hour left to sleep, which is just barely enough time to fall asleep before Z is hungry again. It's so frustrating to have to wake up again that I have stopped bothering. But since I'm getting a good solid chunk of sleep while Aaron's on duty, I find I can get along pretty well. Today we had a special challenge, since Aaron had to be at work for an 8:30 meeting. I hope he's ok.

(Yes, I'm still pumping; I won't change that until I talk to my doctor on Wed about a strategy to slowly ease up the milk supply. But to get Z used to formula on a regular basis, we've started doing one day and one night feeding with it. This also lets me stockpile a bit of breastmilk.)

So instead of sleeping while the baby sleeps, I eat or pay bills or do laundry or read while the baby sleeps. It's kind of nice, getting things done and all. The other day, I even had a real, cooked breakfast. Yes, I had time to make myself an omelette. Luxury!

Speaking of eating, special thanks goes out to our friends who have come to visit and brought us food. I'm mainly grazing during the day, but I try to get one solid meal in every day, and the visits have been helpful for that. Also thank you to skellington, who lent me seasons 1 and 2 of Buffy to watch while I'm pumping. I'm about halfway through season 2--got any more for me? :)

( Breastfeeding TMI )

Today was a good day, for the most part. The doula came over in the morning, and she helped me try nursing Z again. I think we did better this time, getting a good latch. There was some brief confusion as Z clearly remembered what a breast was, but had to be reminded what to do with it. It did start to hurt after a few minutes, so I took him off and repositioned him a couple times. Later, after Trish left, I tried again on the other breast, and it went pretty well too. I am cautiously optimistic--I'm still afraid repeated experiments might result in more pain, so for now I will just try the direct nursing once a day on each breast, but still keep pumping so we can bottle feed him the rest of the time. In a few days, if I'm not hurting, I'll ramp it up a bit, but I want to take things slow for now.

Today Z is one month old. His clueless parents have managed to keep him alive for an entire month! Of course, we had a lot of help--in fact, it's probably more to do with his grandparents than with us, that he has managed to reach his current ripe old age.

In fact, today was our first entire day alone with Z. Last night, Aaron took the 2:30 am feeding, put Z down in the co-sleeper next to me, and slept through my shift at 6. Unfortunately, I spent a lot of time between 3 and 6 with one hand on Z, jiggling him back to sleep when he started to stir. But I managed to get up without waking Aaron, feed and change Z, get him to sleep in the bassinet in the dining room, pump, then transfer him back to the co-sleeper, without waking him up. Aaron took the next shift, at 9, but then my plans to take over went awry--even though I got up at noon, I was so tired that I ate, pumped, and promptly went back to bed. Aaron, bless him, let me get away with this, but I worry about not taking my fair share of the baby care.

I'm still feeling tired all the time, though I stopped taking the Reglan--I figured one drowsy-making drug in my system was plenty. My milk production has fallen off, but it's still so much more than what I was making before the Reglan, that I am trying not to obsess about it. Anna has suggested fenugreek, so I'm going to give that a try, after clearing it with my doctor.

This business of pumping every three hours is no way to live, though. We intend to travel with Z, and there's simply no way to do that and maintain this pumping schedule. I don't want to give up on breastmilk entirely, but eventually I want a life again, and frankly, I'd like to spend some time with my baby, rather than my breast pump. I want to try nursing again, with the doula's help. If that's still too painful, I may drop back to pumping once or twice a day, so Z still gets some breastmilk, but go mainly to formula.

You know, back when I was reading all those oh-so-helpful books, I wondered why more women didn't breastfeed. Now I get it. The books all manage to imply that problems are rare and easily solved. Ha, and ha again, I say. :P One of the arguments in favor of it is that it's cheaper--you don't have to spend money on formula, right? Have I said, "ha" yet? Let's see...lactation consultant, doctor co-pay, breast pump I rented, breast pump I bought, collection kit for the rental pump, nipple shells, breast shells, breast pads, nursing bras, hands-free pumping bra...cheaper, eh? :P

Today was a better day. It might have been due to the fact that Aaron's parents took care of Z over night, so I got a solid 6 hours sleep, rather than 3, the night before. It's hard to tell what's actual depression and what's merely sleep deprivation. Not to mention that a side effect of the drug I'm on to increase milk supply is--wait for it--drowsiness. Great. The problem with having the opportunity to sleep so long is that I do--and that drug works well, so I wake up with aching boobs from missing a pumping session.

(Incidentally, I am amused by the juxtaposition of my breastfeeding woes and the so-called "open source boob project," since my boobs have been pretty open-source lately. No, I won't justify it with capital letters, nor link to it--it's gotten far too much attention already. If you simply must know, and don't already, Google is there for you.)

I called the doctor's office, left a message, then was out for a walk when they called back. Can't complain, though--one of the things that made today better was a good long walk. The weather has cooled down again, so it was a perfect day for it. Z likes walks in the stroller, he dozes off and snoozes peacefully. I have so far tried walking him in a Maya wrap and something called a rebozo that the doula lent me, but both of them left me with a lot of lower back pain. Yet another aspect of attachment parenting that's not all it's cracked up to be. Z is too little yet for the Bjorn carrier, and though I've heard good things about the Ergo--well, I can't keep spending money on different carriers, hoping one will work out. This is getting silly.

You know what's bad? Having to wake up to pump, dreaming you've done so, then *really* waking up and having to still do it. :P

Good news: Z is over 7 lbs now.

Less good news: He eats constantly, and the pumping is not keeping up. I tried going to every two hours yesterday, instead of every three, but it was crazy. The doctor has put me on Reglan to increase my milk supply. I'm not sure how I feel about this--the side effects drowsiness and irritability. How will I know the difference between a drug reaction and normal post-partum crap? (Don't talk to me about that "mother's milk" tea--it tastes like ass, and you have to drink 3-5 cups a day. :P )

I have started napping after the 7-8 pm-ish pumping, and then staying up between the midnight/1 am-ish one and the next one, at 3-4 am-ish. "Ish," because I'm not very good at managing every three hours--sometimes it's closer to four, especially if I've napped in between. It's so hard to get up again.

But this quiet time in the small hours is kind of nice--a little bit of private time with just the laptop, a book, a cup of tea, and a bowl of strawberries. Plus occasional AIM chats with my west coast friends who are still awake.

So...pumping every three or four hours. Problem is, the baby is also hungry every three hours, and come to think of it, so am I. Life is reduced to a daily struggle between food, sleep, and hygiene--and hygiene usually loses. My dentist is going to have fits.

Production volume varies between 2-4 oz per session, usually averaging about 3 oz. This was starting to get me ahead enough that I considered freezing some, but Z is now taking 2-1/2 to 3 oz per feeding, so it's getting hard to keep up. We ran out last night and had to go to formula again for one feeding. :P

Right now I have a house full of grandparents to help out, which is wonderful, but I'm getting spoiled. Once they go home, and Aaron's at work, I'm not sure how I'm going to manage to feed, burp, and change the baby, get him settled down, then pump, clean the pump parts, eat, and, oh, maybe nap for that last 20 minutes before Z is hungry again. As relieved as I am to have found a non-painful solution to the nursing problem, I can really see this being difficult somewhere down the line: planning every outing based on a three-hour turnaround, or carrying the small portable pump, and carefully mapping out convenient places to use it.

On the other hand, it is *such* a relief to not have to dread every feeding, and to actually enjoy being with my baby. That whole breastfeeding-as-bonding thing completely passed me by--in fact, I got the exact opposite of bonding. :P I really want to go back to my breastfeeding class and say, "look, chickie, tell these poor sods the truth--it's gonna hurt, be prepared."

I have found a lot of resources on line for women who exclusively pump, and I see a lot of resentment toward the pumps--women hate being tied to them, the tedious cleaning, the dairy cow vibe, etc. While I can certainly sympathize with those concerns--I LOVE my pump. Hell, I want to name it and snuggle up to it. It saved my sanity, my nipples, and my relationship with Z. What's not to love?

*sigh* Z is down 3 oz. I can't figure out how--he eats constantly, two to two and a half ounces of milk every 3 hours. Oh, sometimes 3 oz, and sometimes 1; sometimes 2 hours and sometimes four, but in general, on average, 2 oz every three. Is it possible to have weak milk or something? Maybe I'm producing 2%?

I hate this; I feel like someone's grading me on it. It makes it really hard to worry about Z, and not about my own performance rating. Plus, we have to go back next week again to check his weight, and the practice doesn't bill these as follow-up visits--each one is a separate $20 co-pay, which is starting to really add up.

I also got fitted for a nursing bra. My cup size is now...wait for it...H. As in "holy shit, those are big."

Milk production has picked up here at Dairy Cow Central, but nipple pain has become overwhelming, and syringe feeding is impossibly tedious. New strategy is to go to exclusive pumping, and bottle feed the baby--this way I get to actually enjoy feeding him, rather than thinking, "oh, god, no, not again," every time he's hungry.

This feels like the right decision for now. I was getting to be actively resentful of Z's hunger, and was losing out on bonding opportunities. Maybe once I heal, both physically and mentally, from this ordeal, I can start thinking about trying him on the breast again, but for now--this feels much better, less stressful, and less painful.

Trish, the doula, helped me snap the car seat into the Snugrider stroller, and we went for a walk around the neighborhood. The weather was gorgeous, and it was the first time I'd been out of the house in two days. Fresh air and exercise--more, please.

Today was Aaron's first day back at work since Z was born, so after Trish left, and mom went upstairs for a nap, I was alone with Z for the first time. What a relief that I didn't have to try to nurse him--but I did have to change my first diaper. Yes, I have somehow gone 11 days without changing a diaper. My mom says this means I have too much help. ;)

We had a lactation consultant come over today. One of the things she showed me was how to suck train Z so he will cover his lower gum with his tongue when nursing. She also gave me an almighty pile of instructions on latch and positioning, which I will dutifully work on, despite my growing belief that breastfeeding just hurts like holy hell and that's all there is to it.

Nursed Z 4 times today, both sides. Still hurts. Still pumping. I do still harbor hopes that, a week from now, you will open your friends page to see a post that says, "hey, it didn't hurt!"

Nursed Z on both sides this morning. It hurt, but not as badly as not doing it. Don't know if that was a good idea, but he was crying to be fed and there was no pumped milk, and I didn't want to resort to the formula again.

10 minutes per side seems to have satisfied him for now. That hardly seems liike ayhthing, but he looks happy--snoozing peacefully against my chest.

For a while it looked like the pump/syringe feeding strategy was helping. I rented a double electric breast pump to take me through the next few days, so I can give my nipples a chance to heal, but we can still feed Z breastmilk.

The problem is, he eats a LOT more now than he did when I first started pumping, so even w/ the more efficient pump, I can barely keep up. There's no reserve; I have been just barely keeping one feeding ahead, and now even that's not working. Just now, Aaron had to keep him occupied with the last bare half ounce left over from the last pumping while I desperately set up and pumped enough to see him through--except it wasn't enough, he took everything I was able to pump and was still hungry. And I don't want to put him back on my breast until I've seen a lactation consultant and had my nipples cleared for action. Because if I hurt myself again, we'll be right back where we started. So we broke down and fed him some formula. Well? The kid was starving, and I'd already pumped myself dry. When I can get him back to nursing, he'll doubtless be more efficient than the pump, but now I'm starting to worry that I really *don't* have enough milk to feed him this way.

This is hell on earth. I've done everything right, I've followed all the rules, I've gotten shitloads of advice and professional help, and it's STILL NOT WORKING. I want to burn all those stupid, pious, preachy books; I want to scream at the woman who taught our class, "why didn't you talk about THIS??"

I know this is supposed to have a three week learning curve, and I am grimly hanging on for those three weeks, but...after that, if it's still painful and not keeping up with Z's appetite, I just don't think I can continue.

Quote of the evening: "The breast is more efficient, less random than the bottle...an elegant weapon, of a more civilized age."

Good news: I have a whole bloody lot of milk. So much, in fact, that it leaks out all over the place.

Bad news: since the left breast has been doing double duty at every feeding, *that* nipple is starting to get chapped. The books will all piously tell you that sore nipples come from bad latch and positioning. This, with all due respect (meaning, not much), is bull-fucking-shit. Sore nipples come from having a small parasite more or less permanently attached to one's breasts.

So, to give me a break, Aaron is doing syringe feedings w/ pumped milk, and I am now pumping *both* breasts. But, referring back to the good news, I have LOTS of milk. Just yesterday, I was getting a half ounce with 10-15 minutes of pumping. Tonight I did both sides and got over 2 oz! (I'm not sure if that's really a lot in the grand scheme of things, but it seems like it compared to the scant gleanings of the last few days.)

We are due at the pediatrician's tomorrow, and I'm hoping the scale says good things about Z's weight gain. On the one hand, it seems like I feed him every other hour--on the other, the syringe feeding is slower and seems to get him less, so I'm not sure.

Incidentally, another thing about breastfeeding is that it robs you of all personal modesty or squeamishness. The number of people who have manhandled my breasts in the last week is astonishing: two lactation consultants, one obgyn, at least two nurses, one nurse practitioner, one pediatrician, the doula, my husband, my *mom*, and I'm sure the partridge in the pear tree is just waiting his turn.

Someday I hope to post about something besides my breasts. That'll be the day, all right.

For the first time today I don't feel like I'm running from crisis to crisis. Z is feeding more or less on schedule, and took an ounce of breastmilk last night from my mom, using a syringe. Hopefully he'll start taking more that way once he gets used to the syringe, but it's different enough to avoid nipple confusion. Nursing still hurts, but I think it's getting better, and I think the cracked nipple is getting better. I've been pumping that breast with every feeding and getting about a half ounce at a time. Aaron set up a laptop w/ a large screen and remote on the dresser so I can watch movies while I nurse and/or pump (the pumping is particularly tedious).

My biggest concern now is that I simply don't have a big enough bra to fit me, and I don't want to go get fitted for a nursing bra until the engorgement goes down some. But it's uncomfortable to walk around with no support, and I'm worried I'll strain or damage the ligaments in my chest. Plus, anything touching my nipples is painful, and with no bra I have nothing to hold up nipple shells. What I need is the world's largest sports bra--something like a 3 or 4 XL, if they make them that big.

Today I got a lot of administrative phone calls done--the insurance companies, the HR dept at work, found out my flex spending account will cover the breast pump w/ a doctor's note, so called the doctor's office to have that sent out. With each phone call knocked off the to-do list came another 2-3 paperwork tasks added, but progress of a sort has been made. :P

Tomorrow I think we'll put Z in the stroller and go for a walk. I need to get out of the house (and NOT go to a doctor's office).

You've heard of Meals on Wheels? I am Boobs on Legs.

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and encouragement on breastfeeding. The good news is, I have milk now. The bad news is, nursing still hurts, and I've developed a cracked nipple on the right side (sorry for TMI). A doctor at my midwife's practice has prescribed some medicated lanolin for this. So now I am nursing the baby on the left, pumping on the right, and my breasts have swelled to absurd sizes only seen in anime or a certain kind of pornography. I am hanging grimly on (kind of like the baby), hoping that once the engorgement phase is over things will improve. The lady who taught our class said this has a three week learning curve. By the end of three weeks of this I may be a basket case, but I don't want to give it up.

Today's pediatrician visit was much better than yesterday's--yesterday we met with a nurse practitioner who had a very challenging, overbearing attitude, and she made me very unhappy. Today we met with one of the doctors, and she was much more sympathetic and gave me a lot of advice for nursing. There's more there, but I don't want to get into it just now.

We also had our first doula visit today, and she was wonderful. She has a background as a lactation consultant, and had a lot of advice to give me, and spent a lot of time working with us to improve our positioning and latch-on. She also spent some time with the baby so Aaron and I could get some sleep. I got a two hour nap, and he got a luxurious four hours! In this new life, that seems like practically a good night's sleep.

I know I'm supposed to "sleep when the baby sleeps," but the baby is hungry every 2-3 hours. In 3 hours, there just isn't time to feed the baby, feed *me*, pump the right breast, go to the bathroom, and *then* sleep. By the time I get to the sleep part, I'm down to an hour, and it hardly seems worth it.

Mom is going to give him a feeding of pumped milk tonight, using some feeding syringes we got at the pediatrician's office, so my nipples can get a break, and Aaron and I can get two feeding cycles' worth of sleep. Bliss.

Z currently has the hiccups, which has to be the cutest sound I've ever heard.

All he needs right now is colostrum, right? So why does he seem so desperately hungry? Last night I started nursing at 3am, and at 5:15 he was still going. We'd been on both breasts twice, and frankly, there was simply nothing left, and it was hurting like hell. So the night nurse helped us get him calmed down and then he slept til about 8:30 this morning, when the pediatrician took him out for metabolic screening.

I know that's too long between feedings, but this whole wake him to feed thing hasn't worked--every time we've done that he hasn't been interested in nursing. Either he doesn't wake up enough, or else he (quite rightfully, IMO) fusses at us for messing with him while he's sleeping. The lactation specialist we saw yesterday suggested that we could wait a little longer between feedings--up to six hours, if he didn't wake and indicate hunger on his own. I haven't seen that *anywhere* else--all the books and websites say to wake the baby if he hasn't fed for four hours, max.

And also, by this morning, I was just dreading it. My nipples are killing me, and it's not just from last night's marathon of suck (both kinds). It's been painful from the beginning, and last night just made things worse. I've always been told that if it hurts that means you're not doing it right, but both the nurse and the lactation specialist say we've got a good latch-on, and I do seem to be doing everything right.

So this morning we gave him fifteen minutes on each breast (which still hurt), and then Aaron took him for some jiggling and soothing (and thank you, Dr. Karp). Unfortunately, while he calms, he won't *stay* calmed, and he was making hungry motions for a long time after I took him off. I know I'm supposed to nurse him as often, and for as long as, he wants, but I just *can't*. Even aside from the pain, no one told me that breast feeding would be so exhausting--I get practically dizzy and cross-eyed with exhaustion. I couldn't keep it up for hours at a time, even if it didn't hurt.

So far I've had two nurses and the pediatrician suggest supplementing with formula, which I DON'T want to do--but under this kind of pressure, both from medical staff and from the baby, I can see why women do. I'm making colostrum, I can see it when I hand-express. And I know there's not supposed to be much of it, and that it comes out slow and requires extra work on the baby's part to get it out. But why is he so hungry, and what else could he be hungry for?

I am now an official card-carrying member of the breastfeeding mafia. Well, ok, there's no card, though it might be fun to make some. But already, I digress.

Aaron and I have had four hours of "Breastfeeding for Couples," and we are both ready to extoll the virtues of boobie juice to anyone who'll listen--even if Aaron has to resort to a captive audience in his classes. I've read almost as many pages on the subject as I read on the origins of language talent last fall. In addition to loads of websites, and the breastfeeding sections of "What to Expect" and "Baby 411," I've put away the AAP's guide and Judith Tamaro's "So That's What They're For!"

( Sidebar on the Tamaro Book )

Ok, that was a longer sidebar than I'd intended. Back to the main point. Which is

BREASTS

and what they're for. Have I got your attention?

I'm now at the point where, not only will I talk about breastfeeding at the drop of a hat, I am actually looking forward to someone making snarky comments about my breastfeeding in public. Go ahead, punk, make my milkshake. Because, you know, I have yet to run across any good reason for anyone to get upset over it. I've seen a bunch of arguments, even had a row with a co-worker over it (dumb, dumb, why do I get into these conversations at work, of all places?), and mainly they boil down to personal discomfort disguised as a lot of wishy-washy moralizing. Like so:

--"I don't like looking at some strange woman's breasts." So why are you looking? What's wrong with you that, completely against your will, you are ogling my breasts? For that matter, why don't you like looking at them? Are you saying they're ugly? I think I'm offended.

--"But breasts should be private." Ok, yours can be. No objections. Why do you get to say what of mine is private, though?

--"Well, for heaven's sake, be discreet about it. Cover up!" I am covered. I'm wearing a baby. Isn't he cute?

--"Why do you feel the need to show off your body like that? Are you so desparate for attention?" (Yes, I've really seen this one.) First of all, if I were showing off my body, I'd be dressed a lot more interestingly. Nursing blouses ain't exactly fetishwear (go ahead, google "nursing blouse fetish," I dare you). Secondly, I see you're wearing high heels and lipstick. Why do you feel the need to show off your body like that?

--"You're making me uncomfortable." Yeah, well, you're making me pretty damned uncomfortable, up in my face like this, trying to dictate my behavior. Why does your discomfort outweigh mine, when I'm not harming you in any way?

Problem is, being the ornery cuss that I am, I simply can't leave well enough alone. Even some of the arguments on "my" side of the debate irk me. Like so:

--"Breastfeeding is natural! No one should be upset by it!" Yeah, well, cockroaches are natural, and they gross me out pretty badly. Besides, this leads directly to the old "peeing is also natural, but I don't want you doing it in the street" argument. Of course, peeing is a public health issue (as are cockroaches, come to think of it). No one would suggest that breastmilk is actually unsanitary or smelly, and I'm not suggesting changing the baby's diaper in a restaurant booth. But natural != good, so this claim weakens the entire argument, if you ask me (which you didn't, but you're still reading, aren't you?).

--"It's not about the breasts, it's about feeding a baby!" Well, no, it's not about the breasts in this case, but why does feeding a baby make breasts ok, and not feeding a baby make them illegal and immoral? If I can flash a bit o' boob to feed my baby, why can't childless women do so just for the hell of it? Focusing on the baby does make the issue more palatable to the otherwise prurient (like "civil union" instead of marriage for gays), but the obvious double standard bugs me.

For that matter--and here's the crux of it for me--men bare their chests in public all the time. Sure, they don't have actual breasts (usually), but they sure do have nipples, and that's what people seem to really get up in arms about (Janet Jackson, anyone?). I can walk around in a few strips of cloth that cover less than my lingerie, but dare I bare a nipple, and it's all over. Unless, of course, I'm feeding a baby. If that restriction applies to me, I want it to apply equally to men.

(Edit: Incidentally, I thought perhaps I ought to put this entire post, with all its breasts and nipples, under an LJ-cut. Then I realized the double standard could work in my favor--the post is about feeding babies, after all. Nothing NSFW here, folks, move along.)

I’m at a loss as to how to finish this absurdly long and ranty post, so I’ll settle for quoting the great Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation (which I watch despite not playing any of the games he reviews):

Bosoms...Melons...Milk Factories...Busts...Funbags...Knockers...Ballistics...Boobies...Jugs...Nipples...Jubblies...Stonking Great Tits

I'm not going to be ashamed of mine...no matter what they're for. So there.